She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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