She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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