Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
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