drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
