I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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