This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
