Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Randomize
