Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize