I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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