Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize