you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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