This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Randomize
