the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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