Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
