I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
