Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
