I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
