nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
