More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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