Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
