I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
