Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
