i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
