when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
