what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize