i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
