ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
