someone threw a dead crab at me
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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