If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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