I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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