I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
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