im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize