Walk of Shame. In a state park.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
