What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm sobbing to NWA
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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