If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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