I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
