Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
