Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
