New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
