drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize