ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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