I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
