I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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