my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
