You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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