guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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