his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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