oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
