My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
