Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
