please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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