I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
