She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize