Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
