You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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