dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
