oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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