Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
