hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
