She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
