Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
