Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
