My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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