apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
