I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm too high and old for this...
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
