nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
