Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize