My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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